Talking with a buddhist-influenced retired Black Roman Catholic Priest

It's like he forced a confession out of me.  Helped me see myself in a way I never would have alone or as quickly.

I am not broken.  Nor am I messed up emotionally, physically, or psychologically.

What I am is confused.  I confused myself into believing that I was.

I confused myself into believing that others' perception and beliefs of me, romantically, were real.  I confused myself into thinking that romantic relationships are inherently different than "regular" friend and family relationships.  But I was wrong.

Deeply.

Why are my family relationships and friendships deep and fulfilling--but not my romantic relationships?  My friends and family are amazing and the closest things to me because I honestly never expected anything from them.  Ever.  I don't let my emotions take the reigns.

But I have always expected a potential love interest to like me and accept me.  I let my emotions take the reigns in romance.  Why?  They're really just potential friends first and foremost.

And that's my biggest lesson and next biggest area of growth for me personally: relinquishing control completely.  In every aspect of my life--including my romantic ones.

Also: I'm not ready to commit or be monogamous.  I want to be single, until I'm really completely confident in myself in this last area of major growth.

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